Still Can't Figure Out Who To Vote For? I Have The Obvious Answer!

I have found myself at a bit of a crossroads on this election day. I, like many Americans, have put a lot of thought into whom I want to cast my vote for in the race for the presidency. I have discovered, through hours of soul-searching that I can't, in good conscience, back either of the two "chowder-heads" that have been offered up by the Republican and Democratic parties. I think many of you out there feel my pain.

What am I going to do then? What other option is there for us Americans to choose from?

I believe that I have discovered a possible write-in candidate, from the past, that may provide the alternative that many of us seek.

I am, of course, referring to "Bill the Cat."

Here is what Bill the Cat brings to the table:

Bill the Cat twice won the National Radical Meadow Party's nomination to run for President of the United States, in 1984 and 1988, despite being dead in the first instance, and despite having a vocabulary that mainly consisted of "Aack!" he lost twice, once because of coughing up a furball on Connie Chung. In spite of this political affiliation, he embarked on a torrid love affair with Jeane Kirkpatrick, and being used as the primary source for an illegal cat-sweat-based baldness cure.

Aha! Bill has a long political history! We need someone with experience to get us all out of the mess we are in!

Bill was accused of treason for sending secrets to the Soviet Union with the unwitting assistance of his lover Jeane Kirkpatrick. Secrets he sold included: secret antiperspirant, the secret formula of Coke, the secret of the Sierra Madre, and the secret of George Bush's appeal (the secret being that he doesn't have any appeal). He was exchanged to the Soviets for accused spy Cutter John. While in Russia, he was responsible for the Chernobyl nuclear disaster, and was traded back soon afterwards. The reasons he stated for returning to the US were, as he put them, "to once again walk the green grass of freedom" or (less politically correct) "to make some dough."

Foreign policy experience. That's important too.

Bill spent time as an unintelligible rock star who played lead electric tongue with his heavy metal band Deathtöngue, later Billy and the Boingers. Bill got rich when their song "U-Stink-But-I-♥-U" became a jingle for Wheat Thins, but he did not share the wealth with his bandmates. Although Bill was the front-person of Billy and the Boingers, the band excluded him and disbanded when it became public that he spent his nights staying up late, reading the Bible with a nun. After this incident, Bill became the televangelist "Fundamentally Oral Bill", parodying (and, in the Bloom County universe, rivaling) televangelists such as Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and Oral Roberts.

A former rock star. That should appeal to the younger voters! Well versed on the Bible. That should play well in the Midwest.

Are you on the Bill train yet?

Bill the Cat's character was raised in Dubuque, Iowa, left for New York to become a film star and left his girlfriend, Sally, behind. Some of Bill the Cat's film roles include the leads in Orangestoke: The Legend of Bill, Lord of the Monkeys and Terms of Bill's Endearment. During this period, he drank heavily, used illegal drugs, and "free-based Little Friskies" until his friends helped him to recover. On September 30, 1983, Bill drove his Ferrari into a cactus at 140 miles per hour, dying instantly in the crash (the media, not wishing to divulge the true nature of Bill's death, claimed that he died of acne). The only part of Bill that was salvaged from the wreckage was his tongue, which young genius Oliver Wendell Jones used to clone Bill and bring him back to life. In the latter months of 1984, Bill's bid for the American presidency was effectively ruined by his decision to run off and join (and end up leading) the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh cult in Oregon, only to be "rescued" and deprogrammed several weeks later by a humorous application of the Ludovico technique (by forcing him to watch reruns of Leave It To Beaver.)

Okay,so Bill has had a colorful past. Then again so did Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Jimmy Carter.and they all did alright.

Bill comes from a small town in Iowa, so he was raised with small town morals. Bill was reborn by cloning, so you know he is going to be for science and higher education.

Is there a better choice out there America?

No matter who you choose, be sure to make a choice. Go out and vote!